Title: Perfect Theology – Chapter 3
Rating: PG-13 for now
Summary: Because no one has a perfectly foolproof method to approach love and life. Including Konoha’s famed Copy Nin.
“I think he’s a bastard. What kind of crap mission was this? Stalking Iruka-sensei.”
“It’s called gathering information, dobe.”
“Whatever. It’s stalking, no matter what you call it. Lazy pervert. I bet all that porn he reads is messing up his head .” Naruto pouted moodily, arms crossing as he shifted his weight to one foot. “Bastard. I wouldn’t be surprised if he started to write his own porn books.”
Sasuke continued to stare intently down at the water, running a nonchalant hand over the wood of the bridge. Beside him, Sakura yawned, stretching languidly. “He’s later than usual.”
Naruto scowled at the sun. “Has it been six hours yet? He said we could leave if he’s ever more than six hours late.”
“We have about one more-”
Poof. Bamph. Ta-da.
A smile. “I was distracted by an alluring damsel in distress and-”
Kakashi grinned at the usual routine of cut-off explanations and accusations. “I believe you guys had an assignment while I was away. What have you got for me?”
Instantly, three reams of paper were presented to his face. From the first, he could pick out Sakura’s neat and meticulous handwriting, accompanied by various pictures and diagrams. He smiled at her organization, taking her packet happily. His grin widened at the amount of information she had gathered and categorized perfectly. This would be very useful.
Sasuke’s came next, sheet after sheet covered with his also meticulous, but more cramped writing style. The Copy Nin skimmed its contents, and almost laughed out loud at the overly-logistical mood of the report. From the title (“Subject: Umino Iruka. Status: Chuunin Instructor. Height, weight, etc “) to the very dry description of the teacher’s day-to-day activities. Ah Sasuke. A prodigy he might be, but apparently lacking in imagination.
“Um Naruto?” Flipping through the final slim pile of papers, Kakashi held up exactly fifteen sheets of pristine white paper. All completely blank.
“Oh. Iruka-sensei told me to give you that.”
“He also took away my notes and well .” Naruto scowled at the black-haired boy beside him, ” it was Sasuke’s fault too! He just got away faster!”
The Genin in reference rolled his eyes, reaching into a pocket. “He also told Naruto to give you this, but he dropped it on the way here today.” Placidly, he handed over a small slip of paper to his sensei.
I apprehended Naruto and Sasuke outside my classroom, spying on me. Please come by the Academy after classes to discuss their conduct as well as your own.
The single visible eye widened, then curved upwards in amusement.
Inwardly, Kakashi sighed. He should ve known better than to delegate this work to his students, especially Naruto. Sakura and Sasuke had been fine, but it had been an error on his part to forget how truly un-stealthy their shortest teammate was. “Sensei?” Sakura stood on her tiptoes, attempting to read the note.
“Well, you kids are dismissed for today!” Without further explanation, the legendary Jounin vanished in a cloud of light grey smoke.
He’d had hundreds of students over years. Some mellow and a joy to teach; others were slightly more difficult. Only a few, Naruto included, would be called hard. But despite all of them, it still didn’t prepare the Chuunin sufficiently enough to deal with certain shinobi.
And his years at the Academy certainly didn’t help him even begin to fully comprehend the infamous Hatake Kakashi.
Back to the scowling. The older man slouched before his desk, a careless smile barely showing through the mask, and the one visible eye gazing brightly at him. Truth be told, the Jounin baffled Iruka. He was a living contradiction. A prodigy, yet childish. Legendary in his shinobi brilliance, yet an unabashed pervert. Not a few of the female members of the village found him physically desirable, but about 95 percent of his face was obscured by cloth and metal.
Perhaps Kakashi could sense the direction of Iruka’s thoughts, since he winked in a semi-lecherous manner. “You know, sensei, staring won’t get the mask off.”
Flushing and maintaining his scowl simultaneously, the teacher ignored his comment, opting to toss a stack of papers onto the desk. “I caught your students here earlier, Kakashi-sensei. At first, I thought it was another of Naruto’s pranks.”
Kakashi sighed inwardly again. Those two had pushed him into quite a pile of trouble. Maybe some extremely tedious and frightfully disgusting cleaning missions were in order? Sakura could take a few days off. Maybe a few weeks too.
“-I’m holding you accountable.”
The Jounin snapped back to attention. “Er, pardon?”
Iruka rolled his eyes none too surreptitiously. “I said, since you’re their instructor, I am holding you accountable for their actions. Which were, apparently, within mission parameters?'”
Well, no harm in being a bit obtuse about this. “So, what actions am I exactly accountable for?” A surprising, yet not unappreciated, blush colored the younger shinobi’s cheeks.
“W-Well spying for one matter. And …inappropriate and lewd conduct in my classroom.” The Chuunin seethed inwardly, making a mental reminder to kill Naruto later for putting him in this situation.
The one visible blue eye widened. “Inappropriate and lewd conduct?” This was new.
“Yes!” Iruka stood up, ruffling papers to hide his embarrassment. “And on my desk too!”
“You mean-” Behind the dark mask, a grin of colossal perversion spread across his lips. Ah, Sasuke and Naruto. This was definitely blackmail. At the very least it was something to tease them with.
“They were fucking?”
“GAH!” Jerking straight up at Kakashi’s question, Iruka winced as his toe connected with a chair leg. ‘No!” He made another mental note to strangle Sasuke, after he d buried Naruto. “T-They were making out.”
Now, as aforementioned, Kakashi Theology tenet number four states something about not letting opportunities pass you.
“Making out?” With a look of supreme contemplation, Kakashi slowly strode his way around the desk. “Like, as in kissing?”
“Lip to lip contact?”
Iruka felt a chill run up his spine, and he instinctively started looking for exits. “Uh..y-yes..”
“Were there tongues involved?”
By now, the Jounin had made his way around the entirety of the desk, and stood squarely in front of a slightly beleaguered Chuunin. “H-How is that relevant t-to anything?” He cursed his stammer, hoping that Kakashi didn’t notice the red-hot blush brightening his face. But of course, he did.
Kakashi adopted a matter-of-fact tone. “Well, if I’m to properly punish them, then I need to know how severe their actions were.”
“Aaand, I’m still a little confused on what happened.”
“What are you-”
Iruka found himself cut off as a pale face moved inches away from his own. “Was it like this?” He was trapped, two long arms resting on either side of the desk.
Understandably, the teacher found himself sufficiently confused. Why were they discussing kissing of all things! But more importantly, Kakashi had plainly ignored the fact that it was he who had sent Sasuke and Naruto to spy on him!
“Wait a minute.” Iruka grabbed the closest and least defended part of the Jounin. His face. “YOU sent Sasuke and Naruto to spy on me. This was YOUR mission! Why are YOU going unpunished?” He managed to push Kakashi s face a few inches away, but no further.
Kakashi blinked. Well, he hadn’t thought of that. Admittedly Iruka was focused, clearly not to be deterred by distractions. He contemplated offering a complicated-yet-totally-believable story as an explanation. However, his well organized mind decided on a better course of action. From both personal observation as well as the notes Sakura and Sasuke had taken, Kakashi could see that Iruka had a weakness to honesty. It didn t work all the time (especially if it was Naruto), but most of the time, being honest was sure to diffuse a hostile Umino Iruka. Besides, Iruka had quite a strong grip on his cheek. To the right mind, it was actually quite sensuous. And that right mind was Kakashi’s. He found it slightly difficult to lie in such a position.
“Tell me, sensei.” The silver-haired man could not help but glance at the slightly parted lips so near his own. “Are you dating anyone?”
Iruka s eyes widened and he found himself sputtering. “I don t What does that Why is this even-”
You see, sensei, if I d just asked you that, I wasn’t sure I’d receive an accurate answer.” Kakashi smirked at the flustered man. “Or a coherent one.” Before Iruka could retort, the Jounin straightened up, allowing Iruka a little more breathing room. “So I sent my team to observe you, so I could see the answer for myself. And you’re not, sensei.” Kakashi paused, waiting for his words to sink in.
The Chuunin frowned. “Why is that any of your business-”
“You interest me, sensei.”
What? Iruka blinked. Was this some kind of joke?
“I’m interested in you.”
Kakashi was pleased to see the anger draining out of the other man. But the hardest part had yet to come. Gauging Iruka s reaction, and the apple red color of his cheeks, the Jounin estimated that the chances were good this mission would be a success. I’d like to get to know you better. He hesitated, noting Irukas shocked expression, then added in a quieter tone, “This is not a joke, sensei. I believe you are an opportunity I’d like to explore.” He smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. But then again, the mask obscured it. “So what do you think?”
Iruka stood stock-still. This was the last thing he d expected. Kakashi, of all people. So he d had Team Seven spy on him in an effort to learn more about him. A part of him rolled his eyes at the blatant perversion and disregard for privacy behind the plan, but another part of him found it oddly…flattering.
“I think, Kakashi, you should ask for a date first.”