Title: Perfect Theology – Chapter 5
Rating: PG-13 for now
Summary: Because no one has a perfectly foolproof method to approach love and life. Including Konoha’s famed Copy Nin.
Kakashi watched, obviously bored, as his two male students attempted to kill each other. Sasuke, the blue and black blur, gracefully leapt from tree to tree, pale hands dazzlingly accurate with the kunai between his fingers. Naruto, the orange blur, couldn’t boast the grace of the other boy. However, he made up for it with sheer determination, raw power, and a cunning technique finely honed from years of pulling pranks. Also watching them, Sakura stretched out her cramped limbs, and turned away from the dizzying sight of her two teammates.
“You’re quiet today, sensei.” Her green eyes watched him warily, noting the absence of his familiar orange book.
“Ah,” The Jounin scratched his head sheepishly. “I guess I have other things on my mind.” He paused at the searching glare she threw at him. Though certainly not as physically skilled as her sparring male counterparts, Kakashi knew better than to underestimate the pink-haired girl’s astuteness. Even as he’d planned the mission and made it as unobvious as possible, he knew she’d be the one to figure it out. Observant, smart Sakura. But that was all right.
She probably noticed it all: the clean vest, the unscratched hitai-ate, the washed shirt. Even his mop of messy silver hair was a bit neater today. If that was even possible. And the biggest indicator of all: he’d left Icha Icha Paradise at home today.
The kunoichi quirked a slender eyebrow. “You have a date.”
All according to plan. His only answer to her statement was an instant arcing of his single, visible eye.
Sakura’s other eyebrow joined its companion near the top of her forehead, indicating to her teacher the exact moment she’d deduced it all out. “You have a date.” Before he could react, the shocked look on her face shifted into something different, something he’d seen only directed at Sasuke thus far. Her hands clasped together with a gleeful clap, and he knew at once. The bright enthusiasm dawning in her green eyes said it all.
It was the fan-girl mode: the one thing that could make even the ice prince Sasuke practicing nearby shudder with dread. Luckily, it was just as he had planned.
“Who is it, sensei? Is she pretty? Do we know-” She paused, and Kakashi could practically see her brain putting two and two together: assigning them to spy on a specific person, the hours she’d seen him spend reading their reports. Sakura let out a happy squeal. “You have a date with Iruka-sensei!” His student jumped to her feet, already rattling off a litany of questions. “Did you book a nice restaurant? Where are you going afterwards? Are you wearing that? Are you going to bring him flowers?”
Even as he’d walked out of Iruka’s classroom yesterday, Kakashi knew he’d need extra help. Iruka was different, and he didn’t know where to begin. Certainly, the notes from his students helped. But one person could give him all the answers. And all he needed to do was speak a single sentence.
“Err…I actually haven’t really thought it all through yet, Sakura-chan.”
And that sealed that part of his plan. Even as Sakura declared she would plan out the perfect date for him and Iruka, Kakashi was already back to watching Naruto and Sasuke, satisfied that his scheme had went off without a hitch.
Perfect. Nothing could go wrong now.
And while Kakashi was reveling in the success of his plan, Sasuke was watching and listening.
“Date.” “Iruka-sensei.” It didn’t take an ANBU elite to put two and two together. And being the genius that he was, the Uchiha instantly saw an opportunity. Purposefully, he paused in mid-fight, re-holstering the kunai he was holding and cocking his head towards his teacher.
“Hey, bastard!” Naruto appeared about five yards away, crouched on a low-hanging tree bough. “Tired already?” When his teammate didn’t answer, the blond rolled his eyes. Closing the distance between them in a single jump, the kitsune landed with a thump next to him. “What are you doing, teme?”
Dark eyes flickered for a moment towards the blond, assessing. “Listening.”
“You’re eavesdropping?” A snort was instantaneous. “That’s a new low for you, asshole.”
Sasuke rolled his eyes, finally turning to face Naruto. “You’re such a dobe.”
“Asshole.” He scowled moodily for a moment, eyes staring holes into that dark mass of hair as it turned away. That hair was surprisingly soft, he remembered. Especially when one ran his hands through it during-
Gah. Naruto made a note to kick himself later. This. Was. All. That. Idiotic. Pervert’s. Fault. He needed revenge; but how? “So, what did you hear?”
The Uchiha shrugged, uninterested. “Something about a date that Kakashi has tonight.”
“What!” Naruto balked, an expression of both surprise and horror gracing his features. “What girl is crazy enough to want to date that perverted bastard of a teach-”
Sasuke winced at the shrill tone in his companion’s voice, opting to not cover his ears, though.
“That BASTARD! If he pulls-”
“-any of his ecchi-”
“-perverted moves on Iruka-sensei-”
“Shut up, usuratonkachi.” He gave a sharp cuff to the back of the blond head, just to be sure he’d stop talking. “I have a plan.”
The blond didn’t answer immediately, opting to give a retaliatory punch in return first. “Will it stop that bastard from corrupting Iruka-sensei?”
“Better. We’ll get back at him.”
And there was no moment of deciding, the blond’s face instantly lit up with the glow only the prospect of revenge could give. “What’s the plan?”
After she’d scolded him for the fifth time about leaving the planning up to the last minute, Kakashi witnessed a side to Sakura he’d rarely seen surface: one of full-blown obsession. The most imperative thing to decide, she reasoned, was where to actually go on their date.
Fancy restaurants and bars were instantly ruled out. “Too public and suggestive for a first date,” Was the answer when Kakashi protested. Her glare and a threat to not help at all sufficed to quell any other complaints. They settled on Ichiraku: familiar and ordinary, but it’d put Iruka at ease.
“Yes, flowers, Sensei.”
She insisted. “They’ll show you’re serious, and make sure that he knows it’s a date, rather than an outing.” As she said this, Sakura rummaged loudly in a rather large knapsack she’d brought along.
“Won’t he know it’s a date since I asked him?” His one uncovered eye widened at the extremely thick book she tugged out: Ukki’s Alphabetical Guide to Flowers: Fire Country Edition. For a lingering moment, Kakashi idly pondered the possibilities if Sakura were to put this much time and effort into her shinobi training.
The kunoichi rolled her eyes. “Sensei, I’ve known Iruka-sensei since I began at the Academy. He s probably wondering whether you were serious, or what you’re even planning.”
“Shit.” Iruka tossed the abused pencil away, scowling at the broken pieces of lead littering his scrolls. For the past hour and a half, the Chuunin had attempted to finish writing his lessons plans. Instead, every few minutes his mind wandered back to his date tonight. Where was Kakashi planning on taking them? What should he wear?
What if this was the Jounin s idea of a big practical joke? Okay, maybe that last thought qualified as overreacting. But still, the Chuunin was nervous, and it was showing on his lesson plans. Crossing out the twenty-second mistake he d made, he pushed away his lesson plans in disgust. That was definitely a lost cause tonight. He glanced at the clock.
Shit! Six thirty. He’d better get dressed.
And as Iruka was throwing on clothes, a lone Genin was crouched outside in the still evening, watching the building from a convenient bush. Sasuke spared a glance to the boy who landed next to him in the shadows. “Did you get it?”
Naruto snorted, taking a small package out of his pocket moodily and discarding it in front of the Uchiha. “Course I got it. That bastard won’t go down without it.”
Taking the small, plastic-wrapped object in hand, the dark-haired Genin placed it quickly into the plain white envelope he’d brought along. Taking out a blue felt pen, he quickly scrawled a few words onto the front, and sealed it with the swipe of his tongue. He paused a moment, reflecting. Was one enough? Maybe he should have told Naruto to get a whole pack. More importantly, was this a good idea? However, his mind insistently reminded him of the humiliation the Jounin had put them through, and his doubts evaporated instantly.
“Okay. Ready?” He nearly grinned at the sight of the blond boy scrubbing vigorously at his eyes, nodding at his reply to his question.
“It’s green.” Sakura frowned at the offending piece of cloth before her. “Sensei, it’s green.”
He scratched at the back of his head sheepishly, picking up the eye-patch, the green eye-patch, slowly. “Well, it was on sale, and it matched with my vests…” At her unrelenting look of disapproval, the Copy Nin tossed it back into the closet. “I could just stick with the hitai-ate.”
Murmuring rapidly, Sakura looked over the “approved” pile: a standard-issue dark-blue Jounin shirt, a dark grey jacket, matching pants (freshly laundered), and a single orange orchid blossom. While he had thrown his clothes into the washing machine, she’d darted out for about twenty minutes, returning with a bouquet of twelve orchids, all different colors of the rainbow.
“Why only one?” He hadn’t seen the logic of only presenting the Chuunin with a single flower, especially since she’d brought back a dozen.
“If you give a dozen, it’ll make Iruka-sensei feel like the woman of the relationship. Give him one, and it’ll simply be a…” She’d paused here, turning a bright pink at the word she finally selected. “-cute statement!”
After a few more moments of consideration, Sakura nodded at the several hitai-ate lying in his drawer. They were better than that awful eye patch, she thought. “All right. Choose the cleanest one.” She glanced at her watch, lips tugging upwards into a smile. “Great! Fifteen minutes to go! You have just enough time to get dressed, and head on over to his apartment.” She glanced dubiously at Kakashi, who was picking up the pile of clothes he was to wear. “You do know where he lives, right?”
And the Copy Nin patted himself mentally on the back for restraining an eye roll, though just barely. Really, she didn’t give him enough credit. Of course he knew where Iruka lived. “Oh, I’ll find my way well enough.” He gave her his usual, whimsical grin and strode out of the living room to change.
“Coming, coming!” Iruka hastily tugged a black shirt over his head, walking briskly towards his front door. Someone pounded resolutely and loudly at it, barely pausing between strikes. It probably wasn’t Kakashi. Besides, it was too early to be the Jounin. After hearing about his constant lack of punctuality from Naruto, he didn t expect the Jounin to show up for another hour or so.
Just as he unlocked the door and turned the knob, the door opened with the force of a small hurricane, nearly knocking over the Chuunin teacher. “What in the-”
“IRUKA-sensei!” An orange blue attached itself to his waist, arms flinging tightly around him. “You’re okay!”
Dumb-founded, the brown-haired nin looked confusedly at his favorite student. “Err…shouldn’t I be?” He gaped as the boy raised his face, bright blue eyes reddened with both shed and unshed tears, lower lip quivering ominously. “Naruto, what happened?”
“Sensei!” The grip on him tightened. “I know it’s not my place to say what you can or can’t do, but…” He seemed to choke back a sob. “B-but please be careful! I-I heard Kakashi-bastard talking to some other Jounin about you and a date and I-I…” He trailed off, instead shoving an envelope into his beloved sensei’s hand. “You’ll need this!” And without another word, the blond darted out of the house, disappearing into the night.
Nonplussed, the Chuunin stood staring at the object in his hand. What was that about? Hesitantly, he turned over the envelope, and eye brow arching in mild confusion.
For Iruka-Sensei was written hastily across it.
It appeared to be spattered with drops of water; tears? Surely not. Pulling out a kunai, he quickly cut it open, inverting it to shake out a small object.
Rectangular and wrapped in silver foil, it fit roughly into the palm of his hand. However, his cheeks flamed to a remarkable shade of red the second he realized what it was. With a sharp yelp, he dropped the item as if burned.
“GAAAH!” What had Kakashi planned?
Face rivaling the shade of an apple’s, Iruka fled back into his bedroom, leaving behind the seemingly innocent foil-wrapped square, upon which seven words were emblazoned:
Icha Icha Hot Night Condoms: Ramen Flavour.