Title: Perfect Theology
Rating: PG-13 for now
Summary: Because no one has a perfectly foolproof method to approach love and life. Including Konoha’s famed Copy Nin.
A/N: Slightly AU-ish in this chapter.
Scritch. Was this .truly happening?
Screeh. The tanned hand gripping the whetstone was still trembling in a mix of rage, confusion, and utter embarrassment. A condom. A condom for crap’s sake! What could Naruto have possibly heard to compel him to bring his teacher a condom?
Iruka scowled down at the kunai he was huffily sharpening, sighing at the uneven edge to it. Calm down, no need to get angry. At times of stress, Iruka found the act of sharpening weapons to be vastly comforting. It was a control thing.
He carefully flipped the weapon over.
Tan hands meticulously dragged the elongated piece of metal precisely against the sharpener.
-to hurt something. However, any bubbling up plan to possibly maim or cause near-fatal harm to certain Jounin was quickly stoppered as a now-ominous chime rang through the apartment. With a yelp, Iruka dropped both the knife and the whetstone, fingers already whisking to form the seals to ensure a speedy escape.
Kakashi frowned, setting the single flower he’d brought along onto the porch floor. He could have sworn he sensed the Chuunin within the house. However, all that remained now were the faint remnants of chakra. A quick peek with his Sharingan confirmed that no one was within the residence; thus with a small exhalation of confusion, the Jounin sat resolutely on the front steps.
Iruka probably had to run out for something, or perhaps a student came by or he left something at the Academy because certainly Iruka was not standing up Hatake Kakashi on their first date and-
Perhaps out of more exasperation and disappointment than he cared to admit, Kakashi chose at that moment to slump backwards, fully intending to lean against the wooden door. Unfortunately, said door decided to rebel against the legendary Copy Ninja, and open inwards. With the grace that made his famous, Kakashi managed to not pitch over completely. He did, however, wisely put out a hand to steady himself, fingertips grazing the coarse carpet of the apartment’s interior.
His hand had settled over a small object, most likely dropped there by the Chuunin himself. Probably mistakenly discarded there in his haste to prepare for an amazing night out with Konoha’s legendary-
Kakashi wrenched himself from the digression, and back to the matter at hand. Or rather, the object in hand. Now, being the seasoned veteran pervert that he was, Kakashi didn’t need to read the cheery orange label on the item to recognize it as a condom. Though, the contraceptive device’s specific characteristics were what surprised him.
Ramen flavored? Icha-Icha endorsed no less. Wonders never ceased.
By this time, Kakashi had already discovered the envelope lying near the open door, and had already reasoned that it’d been used to contain the condom. It failed, unfortunately, to tell the confused shinobi exactly why these two items were in the teacher’s apartment. Was Iruka expecting sex on their first date? Kakashi himself had estimated that the Chuunin wouldn t consider anything remotely sexual until at least four dates, but maybe there was a side to the Academy instructor that he had yet to observe. Surprising, but certainly, definitely not unwelcome.
For a few moments, the silver-haired man held both items carefully balanced in both his hands, a quiet, contemplative look settling in his one-visible eye. It widened slightly after a moment, before he carefully tucked both into a side pocket.
“Ah.” He stood lithely, shifting comfortably back and forth on the balls of his feet as a half-grin shifted his mask. “Well, revenge or repair?”
Breath in, hold it momentarily.
Iruka told himself to focus solely on controlling his breathing, as well as on masking his chakra signature, as he lay sprawled on the roof of his apartment. He probably could have been more creative in where he’d transferred himself, but he’d almost finished forming the jutsu when he remembered his door wasn’t properly shut and locked. Alas, such is life.
He’d felt the Jounin arrive, use a flare of chakra probably to activate the Sharingan, and settle on the steps in front of the door. And if Lady Luck was with him tonight, perhaps the man would get impatient quickly and leave soon. How in the world did he end up in this situation?
Oh wait, he remembered how.
Not too long ago...It started, Iruka thought, probably early last year. This, though, occurring after the incident at the Chuunin Exams nomination. By then, that little confrontation had become a thing of the past. Iruka tried not to hold grudges. Of course, the key word was tried. And these noble attempts were put to the test during the summer holiday.
School was out, and sunshine filled the streets of Konoha. There seemed to be a universal lull, as there was even a noticeable reduction in the number of available missions. Children and adults alike were enjoying a sudden increase in leisure time, not at all unwelcome.
However, it is also probably wise to note that there was only a reduction in the number of missions. Alas, there were still mission reports to receive, evaluate, return or file. This meant, of course, several hapless souls were dragged into Mission Room duty, sitting only to forlornly faze at the teasingly bright blue sky. Iruka, the benevolent soul that he was, most often ended up in this position, dutifully accepting the usual sloppy scrolls and putting them in their appropriate place.
Kakashi, the unlucky soul that he happened to be that day, was assigned to temporary mission room duty on account of a cracked rib he’d come back with on one assignment. Perhaps he could have wheedled his way out in the sneaky manner that all high-level Jounin possessed, but the Copy Nin (in his understandable post-mission exhaustion) had made a semi-fatal error or reporting to the Hokage with a certain orange book in tow. Tsunade, the tolerant soul that she was, let him off without physical reparations.
And thus, one summer Monday afternoon found a slightly disgruntled Chuunin and a thoroughly bored Jounin jointly manning the assignment desk. Iruka had probably entered with in a relatively good mood. However, having Icha Icha Paradise in such close quarters with a person can really have some drastic effects.
“Kakashi-san?” Iruka intoned at the prone body slumped over the wooden desk. He only got a vague mumble in response, inciting an inevitable roll of the eyes. “Kakashi-san, can you please not sleep while we’re only duty? And maybe get that obscene book out of my personal space ” The last part had been added in an undertone, with the teacher eyeing the orange cover warily. The book was pure corruption; he was sure of it. Touching it meant he would be tainted forever with its lechery! And heaven forbid someone see him actually holding the book. Then rumors would follow, whispers in the lounge, head shakes from colleagues who “never would have thought he’d read such things,” and of course, visits from angry parents. Definitely to be avoided at all costs.
In his complete body slouch, Kakashi had somehow managed to push the little book (formerly sitting a quasi-acceptable distance from Iruka) dangerously close to the edge of the table. As well as dangerously close to Iruka. Said Chuunin sat stiffly, thinking up a thousand different ways that he could wipe the smutty novel from existence. Burning sounded good, but he might accidentally set the desk on fire as well. The Jounin’s arm was also in danger of getting damaged by the hypothetical conflagration, but the Academy instructor was quite sure it was expendable in this matter.
The dark-blue clad arm moved again, this time a few inches. Iruka inhaled sharply, watching the book creep ever closer. The next time Jiraiya came to the village, he was going to get a earful from Iruka about the vast, vast amount of resources wasted on the creation of such an evil, perverted little novel that only served to corrupt-
In a mostly-expected motion, Kakashi completed his sprawl with a final, fatal, and lethargic jerk of the arm. And while the Jounin wasn’t watching the results of this action, Iruka certainly was. Time seemed to slow in that short expanse of time, as a gloved hand bumped the book the little distance it needed to tip off the edge of the table and into Iruka’s lap-
“Gaaaah!” With a yelp that startled the few other shinobi scattered around the room, Iruka instinctively snatched a kunai out of his holster. In a motion that seemed almost like one action in its fluidity (albeit, born of senseless fright), the Chuunin stopped the book’s fall with the kunai, impaling it on the blade, and then tossed it all- book and kunai- right out the open window. He distantly hoped that it didn’t hit anyone on its way out.
The pattering of retreating footsteps was what alerted Iruka. He heard the door shut quickly, and deduced that Kakashi had woken up. Woken up grouchy. Therefore, angry. Angry Kakashi usually was not a good thing to be around, and the other nin had sensibly retreated to safer rooms. For a passing moment, Iruka idly wondered what god he had offended to have such an ill-fated day.
” …Did you -” Gracefully, the Jounin got up from his seat and strolled quickly, cat-like, to the window. A glance down into the street confirmed his suspicions. “- just throw my book out the window?”
The Copy Ninja’s expression was unreadable, but that wasn’t too abnormal. Iruka found himself nodding nervously, before he reminded himself that his actions were perfectly reasonable (possibly). Really, what had Kakashi expected any respectable teacher to do?
“Well…yes.” He paused to select his next words wisely. The situation was a delicate one, and he needed to be apologetic yet forceful: sorry for damaging Kakashi’s property, but indignant about the presence of pornographic literature in the-
“Hm.” Kakashi straightened up, and turned away from the window. Shoving gloved hands into his pocket, he started for the door. “Well? Let’s go.”
“Uh.” Iruka blinked several times before his mind reached the conclusion that Kakashi would not inflict bodily harm on him within the immediate future. “Go where?”
The Jounin was already halfway out the door, adjusting his hitai-ate. “Bookstore. You’re buying me a new copy.”
The Chuunin could have sworn he saw the hints of a grin on the Copy Ninja’s masked face. Unfortunately, he also knew Kakashi wasn’t joking.
It should have been a thoroughly enjoyable day. Birds were calling, children ran about playing in the streets. And the golden summer sun smiled gently and warmly down on the village of Konoha. All these wonderful details, however, were completely and utterly lost on Umino Iruka, however.
He had tried his hardest, he really had.
“Our shift isn’t over yet and-”
“There’s about fifteen minutes left in our shift, and by the time anyone realizes we’re gone, that fifteen minutes would have passed already. Stop stalling, sensei.”
“C-couldn’t we go some other-”
“I kinda want my book now.”
A roll of eyes. “I think it’d be more um…discreet if we err…went later…”
The one uncovered eye rolled back. “How later? After dark, later?”
A barely perceptible grin in response. “The bookstore closes at five.”
“What if I didn’t bring enough money to-”
The Chuunin cocked an eyebrow at the nin walking beside him. “And you know that, how?”
“I checked your pockets.”
“You checked my WHAT?”
“Pockets. Your pockets. You know, where you keep your wallet. Cute picture of my team on the inside, by the way.”
Iruka came to a full stop, spluttering in disbelief. “Y-you stole my wallet?” He instantly started rummaging in his aforementioned pockets.
Kakashi rolled his eyes once more. “I checked it. You still have it, don’t you?”
“Yes! But you went through my stuff and looked in my-”
“No, I took it out of your pocket. And then I put it back. Neat, huh?”
Iruka could feel the heat emanating from his cheeks. “T-that’s a complete violation of my privacy! What in the world would possess you to steal my wallet from my pocket and look through-”
Kakashi continued strolling down the road in a leisurely fashion, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Iruka has stopped walking. The Chuunin had to jog a bit to catch up and hear the Jounin’s nonchalant reply.
“I just borrowed it for a second. And you’re buying me a new book!” Iruka could swear the older man was grinning madly beneath that infuriating mask of his. “I didn’t want to walk all the way there with you if you couldn’t buy it”
Iruka felt his jaw drop open at the sheer audacity the Copy Ninja possessed. The man was shameless, abused his superior shinobi abilities, and was a pervert. Iruka resisted the urge his rub his temples. He felt a headache oncoming, and being in Kakashi’s presence wasn’t helping much.
With a quiet, frustrated sigh, Iruka looked up ahead. In the distance, he could just make out the outline of one of Konoha’s local book stores. It was a nice shop. He’d bought school texts there before. A very nice old lady worked the morning shifts. And apparently, they also sold PORN there. Iruka scowled inwardly, a stray, bitter thought crossing his mind. “I’m never shopping there again.”
Gods. What had he done to deserve all this. Maybe there was a porn god. Maybe he’d offended him in some way with his unrelenting objection to all things smutty and Icha Icha. The Chuunin looked up at the bright sun winking cheerily down at them, and his scowl spread to his lips.